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The following are lists of tactics often used by abusers to maintain power and control over their partners.  As you look over the following lists consider whether these elements exist in your relationship:

 Using Intimidation

“Intimidation is the use of actions, words and looks that are meant to frighten, scare or bully your partner.”

bulletMaking her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
bulletSmashing things
bulletDestroying her property
bulletAbusing pets
bulletDisplaying weapons

 

Using emotional abuse

“Emotional abuse is any attempt to make your partner feel bad about herself or any attack on her self-esteem.”

bulletPutting her down
bulletMaking her feel bad about herself
bulletCalling her names
bulletMaking her think she’s crazy
bulletPlaying mind games
bulletHumiliating her
bulletMaking her feel guilty

 

Using Isolation

“Isolation is not a behavior but the result of many kinds of abusive behaviors.  Isolating your partner involves any attempt to control who she sees, what she does, what she wants for herself, what she thinks or what she feels.”

bulletControlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
bulletLimiting her outside involvement
bulletUsing jealousy to justify actions

 

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

“Minimization is discounting the effects of an assault or abusive behavior. Denial is stating or indicating that what happened didn’t happen. Blame is shifting responsibility for an abusive behavior onto something or someone else.”

bulletMaking light of the abuse, not taking her concerns about it seriously or saying she caused it
bulletSaying the abuse didn’t happen
bulletShifting responsibility for abusive behavior

 

Using Children

“Using the children is any attempt to control your partner by threatening or damaging her relationship with her children.”

bulletMaking her feel guilty about the children
bulletUsing the children to relay messages
bulletUsing visitation to harass her
bulletThreatening to take the children away

 

Using Male Privilege

“Male privilege is a belief system that contends that you as a man are entitled to certain privileges simply because you are a man.”

bulletTreating her like a servant
bulletMaking all the big decisions
bulletActing like the “master of the castle”
bulletBeing the one to define men’s and women’s roles

 

Using Economic Abuse

“Economic abuse is using control of the family income or limiting your partner’s access to money to keep her dependent on you or to get your own way.”

bulletPreventing her from getting or keeping a job
bulletMaking her ask for money
bulletGiving her an allowance
bulletTaking her money
bulletNot letting her know about or have access to family income

 

Using Coercion and Threats

“Making threats or using coercion is saying or doing something to make your partner afraid that something bad will happen to her if she doesn’t do what you want.  It’s like blackmail.”

bulletMaking and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
bulletThreatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
bulletMaking her drop charges
bulletMaking her do illegal things