The
following are lists of tactics often used by abusers to maintain power and
control over their partners. As
you look over the following lists consider whether these elements exist in your
relationship:
“Intimidation is the use of actions, words and looks that are meant to
frighten, scare or bully your partner.”
 | Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures |
| Smashing things |
| Destroying her property |
| Abusing pets |
| Displaying weapons |
Using emotional abuse
“Emotional abuse is any attempt to make your partner feel bad about
herself or any attack on her self-esteem.”
| Putting her down |
| Making her feel bad about herself |
| Calling her names |
| Making her think she’s crazy |
| Playing mind games |
| Humiliating her |
| Making her feel guilty |
Using Isolation
“Isolation is not a behavior but the result of many kinds of abusive
behaviors. Isolating your partner
involves any attempt to control who she sees, what she does, what she wants for
herself, what she thinks or what she feels.”
| Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to,
what she reads, where she goes |
| Limiting her outside involvement |
| Using jealousy to justify actions |
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
“Minimization is discounting the effects of an assault or abusive
behavior. Denial is stating or indicating that what happened didn’t happen.
Blame is shifting responsibility for an abusive behavior onto something or
someone else.”
| Making light of the abuse, not taking her concerns
about it seriously or saying she caused it |
| Saying the abuse didn’t happen |
| Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior |
Using Children
“Using the children is any attempt to control your partner by
threatening or damaging her relationship with her children.”
| Making her feel guilty about the children |
| Using the children to relay messages |
| Using visitation to harass her |
| Threatening to take the children away |
Using Male Privilege
“Male privilege is a belief system that contends that you as a man are
entitled to certain privileges simply because you are a man.”
| Treating her like a servant |
| Making all the big decisions |
| Acting like the “master of the castle” |
| Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles |
Using Economic Abuse
“Economic abuse is using control of the family income or limiting your
partner’s access to money to keep her dependent on you or to get your own
way.”
| Preventing her from getting or keeping a job |
| Making her ask for money |
| Giving her an allowance |
| Taking her money |
| Not letting her know about or have access to family
income |
Using Coercion and Threats
“Making threats or using coercion is saying or doing something to make
your partner afraid that something bad will happen to her if she doesn’t do
what you want. It’s like
blackmail.”
| Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to
hurt her |
| Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report
her to welfare |
| Making her drop charges |
| Making her do illegal things |